Learning When to Move On

I had worked incredibly hard throughout undergrad and because I'm first-generation American and my parents have no "connections," I networked every opportunity I got. All that had paid off when I met the man who would eventually become my boss. We hit it off Sophomore year and throughout the years, he would provide me with incredible advice and insight to my various questions. I couldn't have been more lucky when, my Senior year, he called to tell me there was a job opening at his company and within his own department no less. I had an interview if I wanted it and boy did I want it! I jumped on the first bus back home to interview at one of the most enviable places, a mecca for sports and entertainment. The interview went well and a couple of months later, I graduated and started my career within the sales department for the media division of the company. I was beyond excited to get a job straight out of college.

The first year of my career had many ups and downs - I was able to attend any game I wanted, puff up with pride every time I mentioned where I worked (and yes, ashamedly, even gloated at the jealousy I saw in my friends' eyes), and put to use my hard earned degree within the field of marketing and advertising. But I also had to deal with a bi-polar account executive who loved me one minute and would yell at me the next. I was afraid to deal with the issue of the abusive account executive until one day, my mentor turned boss, asked me to come into his office. He had noticed I was less bubbly and more pale as of late and wanted to know what was wrong. He gave me an opportunity to voice my concerns about my current situation. A couple of weeks later, I was transferred to a new set of account executives and even had my desk moved closer to the other side of the office where he and my new executives sat so that I could be completely removed from that toxic situation. I was in heaven and to me, my mentor/boss was a saint for making those changes happen so quickly.

Just slightly over a year into my job, I was promoted to Media Sales Planner. It was the first time this position was in existence and it was my job to figure out what to do since even HR had a hard time defining my new role. I now worked directly with my mentor/boss. Before, we had a mentoring relationship and I was still comfortable speaking to him but now that I was reporting into him, I felt a shift in the relationship. I began treating him more like a boss and began to feel less and less comfortable coming to him with my problems, concerns and ideas. I really couldn't put my finger on it for a very long time why I started feeling this way but I began to notice certain qualities about him that were a definite turn off:

1. Very charming -  to the point where he was coming off fake. This goes along with showing happiness or joy only if it served his purpose. It disgusted me how fake he was towards clients and how he could immediately turn on you the moment their backs were turned. 
2. Manipulative - he would call me into my office and try to gather dirt on the others within our department and tell me it was something he already noticed but wasn't sure if he was just jumping the gun. He wanted me to confirm. I learned very quickly to shut my mouth and evade his probing because I didn't want others to think I was a tattletale. He would also tell me that moving around in this industry was difficult and that I was lucky to have found a job where I did. Getting a new one with my "lack of experience" would be impossible. Obviously I see now that all he wanted to do was keep his best worker within his own grasp. 
3. Entitled - during staff meetings he would obviously run the show since he was the head of the department but he would belittle all new ideas or questions. I noticed myself becoming more and more introverted and afraid to ask questions for fear he would shut me down (like he was doing to everyone else around me). Also, when he would call me into his office (which at this point I was beginning to dread), he would feel like he had the right to talk to me about my life at home (which is by no means terrible at all) - I should move out. My parents were holding me back. Was my boyfriend really the one? Another example that comes to mind was when I had a small bruise on my arm. I had done renovations with my parents and boyfriend on my mother's kitchen and because I'm usually over enthusiastic in situations like that, I had bumped my arm slightly on one of the cabinets. My boss had immediately decided that I was being beaten by my boyfriend and that I should find help. I remember just starting at him on that one, speechless. 
4. No remorse - again, he would belittle the staff around him and he wouldn't feel terrible at all if he made someone cry. 
5. Appear to be all mightier than thou - our conversations would often turn to what I wanted to do with my life and career. He would tell me that I shouldn't make a move unless I spoke to him first about it because he knew a lot of people in the industry and would know what's best for me. He also wanted to start his own internet company on the side and wanted my help with it. He truly believed it would be a huge success but when I asked him pointed questions, he would become defensive and shut me out. 

When looking at the above list - I realized what I had come across. I was dealing with a sociopath. I wasn't sure how severe it was but that intuition I was feeling ever since I was promoted was pointing me in this direction. I started to treat him completely differently and became more formal. He would comment on how I didn't come to him anymore looking for advice and how he felt like I was becoming depressed. This was an intentional move on my part. I began to learn quickly on how to deal with his ever changing moods - one moment he was happy and carefree and the other you had to walk around egg shells with him. Eventually, it got to the point where I could no longer stand going to work every day. It had become tedious and the stress on my emotions was getting to me. At this point I had been working there for 2 and 1/2 years - I was promised one promotion after another by my mentor/boss and none of them ever came to fruition. After being told for the third time to sit tight and the next few months would be better, I decided to interview and to my surprise, got a job offer only two weeks after I started searching. I had been so brainwashed to believe that it wasn't possible that I was so surprised - I was also ill-prepared to provide my resignation. I thought I had at least a month or two to prepare. 

I realized, after I drafted up my resignation letter, that I had turned into a completely different person from who I was in college. I was afraid to ask questions, to speak up, and I lacked the courage to fight for myself. I was too scared to even tell him I was leaving and almost declined my new offer! I hated what I had become and coming to this realization gave me the fire to go to my manager and first tell him. He was my direct report and following policy, I went to him first. I should've known better because that organization was like elementary school - everyone talked behind everyone's back. My manager had gone to my mentor/boss before I had the chance. By the time I got to him, he was furious. He was also furious that I decided to give up everything he had done for me and leave him. I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend! It was awkward, humiliating and nauseating but eventually, I got through it and my last two weeks helped confirm that I did the right thing. My mentor/boss gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of my time there and I haven't spoken to him since. In my exit interview with him, I had let him know that I didn't want to part ways like this and didn't want to burn any bridges but if that's what he wanted to do, then it wouldn't be on me. 

Everyone else in the company had a hard time letting me go and couldn't understand why I ultimately had to leave. When I explained the situation, they knew they couldn't offer anything to make me stay. It wasn't the first time they had heard complaints about this person. When I heard that, I was even more annoyed that it was allowed to continue. Didn't they realize who/what they were dealing with??

I'm very happy where I am now - when my new boss asked me a month in how I was doing, I was shocked. I've learned to find my courage, ask questions and generate ideas. I still have a lot more courage to gain but it's already ten times better than it was. The tough lesson I had to learn was take everything with a grain of salt - things aren't always what they seem and if you can't make the situation better, sometimes it's best to throw in the towel and move on. I'm so glad that towel was thrown away but I'm also grateful for the experience - in retrospect, it made me even stronger than before. 

-D